Bad

An open and honest dealing with your sin sets you free. ~ ERIC IRWIN

To a woman wracked with guilt (and disbelief that she could murder an innocent child) over an abortion: "I don't know why you are so surprised. This isn't the first time your sin has led to death; it's the second. All of us are responsible for the death of the only innocent who ever lived." ~ REBECCA PIPPERT VIA JOSHUA HARRIS

When you become disappointed in yourself, it's proof that you were trusting in yourself to start with. All Jesus expects from us is failure.
The hostile mind is the one which says, "I can do it."
A person will not truly repent until he realizes his own depravity. ~ PETER REID

Is God trying to tell me something about my depravity? When Sunday's sermon, my current bus book ("Boy Meets Girl"), and lectures from Bodenseehof which I have been listening to in the car all collide on this one point, I take note.

And so, last night when I was babysitting Peter (and Lucy), I saw Peter's actions in the light of what I have been meditating on about myself.

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After a sweet evening together with books and puzzles on the couch, dinner and conversation at the table, and shampoo and many snuggles in the bathroom, he threw a fit in the living room just before bed. I told him I would read him one more story, and then I read it to him, and then he wanted more. I said no. He threw the book on the floor and threw himself back in true tantrum form. This did not meet up with what I required of him; I told him to pick up the book and say he was sorry.

He screamed and said "NO!" I slapped his little hand (the one that had caressed the back of my neck when we hugged after his bath, his wet head tucked up by my neck) and repeated what I was requiring of him. He was degenerating into falling-on-the-floor tantrum stage. I cast my eyes and my heart heavenward, asking for wisdom and strength, then set clean, snuggly Lucy on the floor and took Peter in my arms. I turned him over my knees and spanked his little leg (covered in fuzzy moose jammies), just below his diaper. Then I sat him up and wrapped my arms around him. "Are you ready to pick up the book now?" I asked.

"NO!" Back on his tummy over my lap. I had a fleeting thought that I should have closed the curtains over the big picture window before starting this endeavor, but I brought my mind back to the task at hand. Another double swat. I knew there was a sting; I felt it in my hand. I enfolded him in my arms again. He was crying loudly, snot and tears flowing, but he did not resist my embrace. "Are you ready?" (Tears were coming to my eyes; did he know how dearly I wanted to help him succeed?)

"NO!" We repeated the cycle, maybe five or six times altogether. It felt like it was becoming a habit, and I prayed for a way to help him break the cycle. I hugged him for an extra minute after the latest spank, and he said something new through his sobs: "Trink wa-er?" I told him there would be no drinks until after the book was picked up and he had said he was sorry. "Are you ready to pick up the book now?"

"No." "Are you sure? Do you want to say 'yes'?"

"Yes," he said, sliding off my lap. He picked up the book and handed it to me. "Say you are sorry to Aunt Julie," I told him.

"No." There was no fight in his word, just a plea for the remaining remnant of his pride. I did not want to spank him again. "You need to say you are sorry, because it is so important that you obey Aunt Julie. If you don't say it, I will spank you again."

"No!" A protest against the spanking more than a declaration of his intentions. More sobs. "Okay, then say you are sorry." He was standing facing me, my hands on his little arms. Sliding away from me, his eyes down, letting the ends of his words fall off, he breathed, "So - o - rry, Au Ju."

"I forgive you." I picked him up and loved him with a great big hug and with words right in his little ear: "You know that I love you very much, Peter."

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I have thought of the "battle of wills" as a conflict between parent and child. Now I begin to see that it is instead a battle they both fight together against a greater enemy -- our legacy from Adam, our sin nature. And I picture our Father God, wanting to help us, finding an unfathomable way to help us. The mystery of substitutionary atonement. The mystery of the fight we still wage, even after being redeemed by Jesus. Peter Reid thinks moral failure comes because of lack of knowledge. One piece of knowledge from Colossians: "So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord {accepting his death and resurrection in our place} continue to live in him {accepting his death and resurrection in our place.}" Eric quoted Jesus: "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

But the catch is, if we tolerate sin there is no freedom.

God, grant me eyes to see my sin
courage to acknowledge it
a heart that hates it.

David says:

"I seek you with all my heart;
{which is how we should seek God, and how I WANT to seek Him}
do not let me stray from your commands.
{but obviously the tendency to stray is still there, even with all of my heart seeking God.}
I have hidden your word in my heart
{into the depths of that which is deceitful and unknowable, we plunge the treasures of truth}
that I might not sin against you.
{I do not want to sin, yet I see my bent towards it and actively swim against the flow.}"